Recently I saw a story on We tv’s “Extreme Love” following two dads expecting a child. The part the show considered “extreme” was that one of these dads was trans and was carrying the child. Watching the video, I was really unhappy with the language the voice over used to describe the couple and this growing family. It felt, to me, as if they were trying to turn the family into a spectacle and paint them as an “other”. However, those views are totally my own and I was/am super happy that this family helped bring awareness to the public. I’ll link the video here if you’d like to watch on your own!
A few weeks later I was super excited to see two of my favorite doula Instagramers Flor (@badassmotherbirther) and Kate (@taprootdoula) sharing a wonderful pregnancy photos of the aforementioned couple. I travelled to their page and was happy to see a happy, healthy baby and a loving and caring family. However….
Wyley, 27, and his fiancé during their pregnancy journey.
I was troubled by the comments I saw under the photo shared by Flor. Despite Flor’s wonderful words of love and encouragement and her important message about providing care for ALL clients, the comment sections were still full of mean, hurtful and transphobic comments. As much as I was outraged by people’s comments, it got me thinking about all of the queer, trans and gender non conforming people who are still ignored and silenced within the medical and birth community. I wanted to take the time to hold space for these folx, including Wiley from “Extreme Love,” and ask them what they would need and want from a healthcare provider or doula.
“For me, an ideal OB/GYN would be knowledge on trans and non-binary identity, and would provide me with the resources I need to learn more about my own health and reproductive system.”
Keep reading to see what some people had to say and feel free to let us know how YOU do your part in the comments below!
Jesse S., 22, Transmasc., he/him/his
“It is important to find a person willing to use language i choose to describe my body. Providers need to able to adjust to the fact that some of their patients may not be comfortable with having parts of their body described by terms that are considered to be ‘traditional.’
Some trans masculine identified people (and lots of others who don't identify in this way) prefer different terms to be used to describe their reproductive and/or sexual anatomy and having your body referred to in a way that makes you feel disconnected from it or uncomfortable with it isn't going to be conducive to a good doctor patient relationship. If providers want to truly make their patients feel supported they have to be able to adapt the way they communicate.”
Wyley, 27, gay man, he/him
“As a transgender man,fellow seahorse papa. The things that I needed from my obgyn and midwife is first respect of pronouns. Individuals want to feel comfortable and pregnancy is a sensitive subject. Use vocabulary comfortable to the patient. It's hard mentally and emotionally for a transgender individual who is birthing a child. Education of the staff members in a hospital. Knowing that all members that are helping with the delivery understand that correction of any mistakes when it comes to addressing the individual for any reason.”
Anonymous
“Just ask pronouns, I think is one of the most important parts and also preferred name side from what’s on the paper. Calling someone a parent as well, I know sometimes people ask me if I want to be a mom and it doesn’t feel fitting. But I’m not fitting into dad either so I prefer parent”
Jaysen H.G., 21, AFAB non-binary, they/them/theirs
“I don't go to the OB/GYN as often as I should - as in, I've only gone once at the end of 2017 so I could get birth control - and I think the two primary reasons for my reservations are 1) lack of education on my end and 2) a lot of the language used feels really alienating as a non-binary person.
In terms of education, I feel like I haven't learned enough about these things in health classes and such in high school, and was pretty much taught (by my mom) that I don't need to go to the gynecologist or use birth control unless I'm regularly having sex with a cis man. This isn't even an issue related to my gender per se, I think generally there is so little information given about the female reproductive system, and I think it largely has to do with the culture of shame that we have here in the US, and with the constant attacks by more conservative individuals whenever any progress is made towards education about anything related to reproduction, sex, the female body, and things of that nature. It sucks because I think that it's vital to know about these things. Even now, I hardly know if I should go to the gynecologist and why.
Partly related to that, I think it can feel alienating for some non-binary and trans individuals, especially with the language surrounding reproduction. Even at NYU, they refer to it as the ‘Women's Health’ department. I'm not a woman, so I don't feel like that's the place for me, ya know? And then, when I do go to a place like that, they assume I'm a woman because I'm there so that just further reinforces the feeling that I belong there.
For me, an ideal OB/GYN would be knowledge on trans and non-binary identity, and would provide me with the resources I need to learn more about my own health and reproductive system. I need someone who will respect my pronouns, who will use inclusive language, who will understand that I don't have a ‘woman's body’, I have a non-binary person's body.
I think this would be the first step to maybe coming around to the idea of having kids. For most of my life, I haven't thought about it or I've outright rejected the idea because I have so many negative preconceptions about pregnancy. I was around thirteen when my mom was pregnant with my younger brother and I remember the constant stress. Her pregnancy with my other sibling was relatively okay, and physically there weren't many problems with my mom's pregnancy with my brother, but, for example, she would always freak out and worry she had a miscarriage when she didn't feel him moving. I think if she had a midwife or a doula to help her through it, she wouldn't have had as much trouble emotionally and mentally with the pregnancy. I think having that support system would be vital for me, especially because if I do have kids, I envision myself being a single parent, so I would really need support from a midwife or doula.”
I hope that the words from these amazing individuals helps push other doulas, midvives and healthcare providers to be better and do better.
“If providers want to truly make their patients feel supported they have to be able to adapt the way they communicate.”
Its only by listening to the voices of those that are often forgotten that we can start to improve our practice and make healthcare truly accessible.